Kinder, Gentler Chemical Warfare

Kinder, Gentler Chemical Warfare

Weapons of mass disruption

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Kinder, gentler chemical warfare?

Now that we’re in a time of war (whether it’s right to be so or not), much has been made of our enemies’ weapons, especially those of a type that can be deployed indiscriminately against our troops. Things like chemical or biological agents – what the administration has deemed “weapons of mass destruction.”

And aside from the fact that we’ve found virtually none of these types of weapons in Iraq (despite that we used their assumed presence as a platform for war), they remain a concern for American citizens. After all, these weapons exist SOMEWHERE, and it wouldn’t take a huge amount of ingenuity for those that hate us to obtain and deploy them here on our shores to terrifying effect.

But I digress

What I wanted to write to you about today is this: Although the United States pretends to be holier-than-thou when it comes to the development and production of mass-deployed weapons, the truth is that as late as the early 1990s, we had at least the beginnings of a modern chem-war program of our own. True, there’s a caveat: As you’ll soon discover, it was a “kinder, gentler” program, but it was a proposal for chemical weapons nonetheless.

How is this possible, you’re asking, when a zillion treaties, arms agreements, and UN resolutions (yes, WE consider them binding) expressly forbid it? Because the “weapons” we were considering (and maybe still are) are totally non-lethal, and designed only to disrupt morale and create chaos among enemy troops – not kill, maim, or incapacitate. And you simply won’t believe the hilarious things these proposed weapons were designed to do.

This is among the funniest things I’ve ever learned that our tax dollars were being spent on (and that includes the $500,000 EPA-funded study of how cow flatulence effects the ozone layer) – and it’s 100% true, according to some recently declassified government documents, as reported by NewScientist.com.

Keep reading, and make sure you’re sitting down

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Sex, bugs, and rotten holes

What’s so funny about a U.S. chemical weapons program, you’re asking?

According to a proposal for a 6-year, $7.5 million research grant drafted by the Air Force’s Wright Laboratory in Dayton, Ohio, the following ideas were put forth for new chemical weapons that don’t violate any of the current treaties, but are nevertheless effective at destroying discipline and morale among enemy troops:
A chemical that causes male soldiers who get a whiff to become instantly and irresistibly sexually attracted to one another (so much for any opposing army’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, huh?).

An airborne agent that instead of killing or driving away bugs, would instead simultaneously attract and enrage vast swarms of wasps and other stinging insects when sprayed on enemy troops.

An inhaled compound that would cause severe and lasting bad breath, not only forcing entrenched troops to contend with each others’ foulness, but also making it easy to identify guerilla fighters attempting to blend into civilian populations.

A “pied piped” chemical that would draw and concentrate a massive migration of rats and other vermin from miles around, rendering troop positions uninhabitable.

A chemical that would make enemy troops’ skin unbearably sun-sensitive, forcing them to concentrate in areas of shelter during daylight fighting hours.
Funny and ingenious stuff, huh? Apparently, there was enough preliminary research to indicate that such things were possible – at least enough to warrant a grant for further development. Whether any monies were granted for this research or not is unclear.

As hilarious and effective as these “weapons” would no doubt be in combat, I kind of hope their development was shelved for good. I can’t imagine the chaos that would ensue if any one of them were ever seized and deployed in a major city by one of our enemies. I guess it’d be better than any of the lethal alternatives, though

Better to have bad breath, bee stings, and temporary sexual confusion than anthrax, right?

Reporting while contorting (with laughter),

William Campbell Douglass II, MD