The wit and wisdom of managerial morons

You’ve probably read the comic strip called “Dilbert.” It’s basically a continuous skewering of corporate America, as told through the eyes of a stable of hapless characters wiling away their lives in a typical office

Well, I’m not in the habit of running material that comes my way via e-mail, but a colleague recently sent me a list of asinine quotes that are supposedly from REAL corporate America – and they make what gives us hearty laughs in “Dilbert” look positively intelligent. I found this on various Web sources, but never tracked down the actual magazine, so I can’t positively verify the truth of what you’re about to read.

But it’s just too good to not run. Here are (supposedly) some of the finalists from a magazine’s contest to come up with the funniest or most asinine real-life memos/quotes from the domestic biz world – it’s a priceless snapshot of where we’re headed. Enjoy:

“As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.” (This was the winning entry, from an employee at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, WA) Wee! Two weeks off!
“What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.” (Lykes Lines Shipping)
“E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.” (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
“This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.” (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
“Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.” (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
“Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Quote from a marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
“We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (AT&T Long Lines Division)
“No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.” (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Some of the entrees came in as anecdotes with pertinent quotes. Among the more egregious were these:

“My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, ‘That would be better for me.’” (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists) “As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the ‘pedagogical approach’ used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director’s office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for “perverts” working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word ‘pedagogical’ circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.” (a happy ex-employee of the Taco Bell Corporation) For those who may have forgotten, pedagogical means “like a teacher.”

Last but not least, what would any snapshot of corporate ridiculousness be without at least one stunning example of meaningless language meant to inspire. This one’s from a national memo for a large communications giant: “Lucent Technologies is determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supercede, the expectations of quality!”